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A Serotonin Slave

Some days I wake up rested and kiss Adam goodbye and give Sarah hugs. Some days I have just enough cash to walk to the Chinese restaurant across the street and get lunch to go, and I eat it while watching good shows that I DVRed the night before. Some days I'm excited to go to work, and the commute isn't so bad, and the kids have fun, and I feel I'm great at what I do.  Some nights I come home, and Adam and I play games, or watch TV, and we laugh till it hurts. 

Some days I wake up on not only the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of the world.  And I don't even know how I will find the energy to get out of bed.  Some days I'm broke and I’m so tired of ramen noodles or lean cuisine that I could puke. Some days I start crying in the morning, and astound myself with my ability to cry for hours on end.  Some days I feel like a car is parked on my lungs, and I'm so anxious I can't even breathe.  Some days the commute drags on forever, and the kids just aren't in the mood to work, and I can't seem to motivate them. Some days I can't wait to get home, only to find I'm just as miserable there. Some nights even the valium my mom gave me to help with my anxiety attacks don't help, and I still feel like  I'm about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can't imagine living one more minute, one more day like this.

I can't chose the days I feel bad, I can't say today I don't have any plans so it’s ok to have a break down. Or today I'm really busy, so today I will be happy.   I try to stay productive, but I run out of things to occupy my mind and then I collapse into myself. When I'm happy I try to bask in that, ride that wave to the end. I'm so grateful for small things a spaghetti dinner I cooked that we both enjoyed, a funny text from a friend, or taking Sarah down to the beach.

Some days I realize that things will be fine after the wedding, when I have health insurance & can finally see a doctor & I get back on medication.  I understand that I have no reason to believe The Scarlet S won't fix me when it always has before.  But when I feel really bad, I can’t imagine that I will ever feel like myself again.

But most of all I feel guilty, I should be so grateful for the fabulous life I have now. Be happy to just have a job, when some many of my friends have been laid off. I should feel blessed to be living in
L.A., with the most amazing man I've ever known. I just feel like I'm so unappreciative of my life, and what kind of girl am I if I can’t act thankful for all I have?

I have a job interview today with a Caregiving Agency at Starbuck's today, but I can't afford a cup of coffee. If that doesn't scream I need a job, I don't know what does.

Adam and I spent the weekend moving the small things into our new place. Next Saturday we have rented a moving truck to finish up the job. We are really excited. We met our neighbors on Saturday. It's a young couple with two kids (4 and 2), and 2 dogs. 2 Daucshunds!! And anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge fan of the wiener dogs. In fact, as soon as I get a job I am getting one. Because my life has been dog less for too long now.

Adam and the four year old have already had a heated discussion about which ones better: Spiderman or Batman. That didn't end well. I kid, I kid. But Adam didn't convert him to the ranks of Batman.

The daughter who is two years old has laughing baby syndrome. I don't know the actual name, but she will never develop mentally past the age of two. She’s such a sweetheart. I love the whole family. And we also met a nice young man that lives two houses down. So I just love this neighborhood.

But I am missing everyone and am missing Sweet Tea. And now that we have a place with extra beds, I want people to come visits. So if you ever have the time come see me, it might be fun.

Things with Adam and me are wonderful. And God Bless Him for paying for my scrub ass for the time being.

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March 2009


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