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A Serotonin Slave

Some days I wake up rested and kiss Adam goodbye and give Sarah hugs. Some days I have just enough cash to walk to the Chinese restaurant across the street and get lunch to go, and I eat it while watching good shows that I DVRed the night before. Some days I'm excited to go to work, and the commute isn't so bad, and the kids have fun, and I feel I'm great at what I do.  Some nights I come home, and Adam and I play games, or watch TV, and we laugh till it hurts. 

Some days I wake up on not only the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of the world.  And I don't even know how I will find the energy to get out of bed.  Some days I'm broke and I’m so tired of ramen noodles or lean cuisine that I could puke. Some days I start crying in the morning, and astound myself with my ability to cry for hours on end.  Some days I feel like a car is parked on my lungs, and I'm so anxious I can't even breathe.  Some days the commute drags on forever, and the kids just aren't in the mood to work, and I can't seem to motivate them. Some days I can't wait to get home, only to find I'm just as miserable there. Some nights even the valium my mom gave me to help with my anxiety attacks don't help, and I still feel like  I'm about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can't imagine living one more minute, one more day like this.

I can't chose the days I feel bad, I can't say today I don't have any plans so it’s ok to have a break down. Or today I'm really busy, so today I will be happy.   I try to stay productive, but I run out of things to occupy my mind and then I collapse into myself. When I'm happy I try to bask in that, ride that wave to the end. I'm so grateful for small things a spaghetti dinner I cooked that we both enjoyed, a funny text from a friend, or taking Sarah down to the beach.

Some days I realize that things will be fine after the wedding, when I have health insurance & can finally see a doctor & I get back on medication.  I understand that I have no reason to believe The Scarlet S won't fix me when it always has before.  But when I feel really bad, I can’t imagine that I will ever feel like myself again.

But most of all I feel guilty, I should be so grateful for the fabulous life I have now. Be happy to just have a job, when some many of my friends have been laid off. I should feel blessed to be living in
L.A., with the most amazing man I've ever known. I just feel like I'm so unappreciative of my life, and what kind of girl am I if I can’t act thankful for all I have?

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