Some days I wake up rested and kiss Adam goodbye and give Sarah hugs. Some days I have just enough cash to walk to the Chinese restaurant across the street and get lunch to go, and I eat it while watching good shows that I DVRed the night before. Some days I'm excited to go to work, and the commute isn't so bad, and the kids have fun, and I feel I'm great at what I do. Some nights I come home, and Adam and I play games, or watch TV, and we laugh till it hurts.
Some days I wake up on not only the wrong side of the bed, but on the wrong side of the world. And I don't even know how I will find the energy to get out of bed. Some days I'm broke and I’m so tired of ramen noodles or lean cuisine that I could puke. Some days I start crying in the morning, and astound myself with my ability to cry for hours on end. Some days I feel like a car is parked on my lungs, and I'm so anxious I can't even breathe. Some days the commute drags on forever, and the kids just aren't in the mood to work, and I can't seem to motivate them. Some days I can't wait to get home, only to find I'm just as miserable there. Some nights even the valium my mom gave me to help with my anxiety attacks don't help, and I still feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can't imagine living one more minute, one more day like this.
I can't chose the days I feel bad, I can't say today I don't have any plans so it’s ok to have a break down. Or today I'm really busy, so today I will be happy. I try to stay productive, but I run out of things to occupy my mind and then I collapse into myself. When I'm happy I try to bask in that, ride that wave to the end. I'm so grateful for small things a spaghetti dinner I cooked that we both enjoyed, a funny text from a friend, or taking Sarah down to the beach.
Some days I realize that things will be fine after the wedding, when I have health insurance & can finally see a doctor & I get back on medication. I understand that I have no reason to believe The Scarlet S won't fix me when it always has before. But when I feel really bad, I can’t imagine that I will ever feel like myself again.
But most of all I feel guilty, I should be so grateful for the fabulous life I have now. Be happy to just have a job, when some many of my friends have been laid off. I should feel blessed to be living in